For what follows, I ask in advance for your forgiveness. Some of the plays-on-words are simply indefensible. If, however, you like baking, hockey, and a healthy sample of eye-roll-inducing puns, this is the place for you.

(And if you like cool cakes AND the Chicago Blackhawks, you’ll want to check out some of my previous creations: a life-sized carved puppy with Blackhawks gear,  a hockey rink cake with gum paste players, a Blackhawks logo cake, and a cookie tree with sweaters from my favorite team!)

COOKIE DECORATING + HOCKEY: A GLOSSARY OF TERMS

ASSISTS: Though the baker alone normally gets accolades for her work, many times, the work cannot be completed without assistance from a teammate. In this case, the teammate is said to give an assist to the baker.

CHECKING: Checking is a defensive technique bakers employ to ensure their work is of a high quality. (Some bakers who work offensively plunge ahead in their work without considering the “what-ifs.”) The following situations represent a few examples during which one would see checking amongst bakers: Is the oven off? Are the eggs still fresh? Is the oven really off? Wait, how many cookies did the lady want again? Wait, she’s picking them up at 3, right? Am I SURE she said she wanted yellow with brown trim, because that sounds awful but I have to make what she asked for? Am I DEFINITELY SURE the oven is off?

(Side note: I am a world-class checker. If they gave a Conn Smythe for checking alone, I would win it every year. I check to make sure I’ve checked everything there is to check.)

CLUTCH: Every baking team needs a person they can count on when the clock winds down and the project isn’t yet complete. This person, who always manages to “find a way,” is called clutch.

DEKE: Originating from the word “decoy,” a baker performs a deke when she uses amazing savvy and skill to fake out a customer with a deceptive, but delicious, product. A cupcake filled with an unexpected raspberry creme, or a chocolate chip cookie that actually has an Oreo inside, are examples of dekes.

EXTRA ATTACKER: On very rare occasions, an additional helper will unexpectedly pop into your kitchen. These helpers are called extra attackers. They should be useful in helping your team accomplish the goal, although it must be noted that not every team successfully utilizes extra attackers, no matter how much talent the team seems to possess up front.

DELAY OF GAME: When a member of the team intentionally causes a stoppage in decorating, this is a delay of game penalty. Examples of infractions include: buying and delivering the baker a tasty lunch, texting the baker a question which requires a response, or distracting the baker with funny Internet videos.

GOAL: During the decorating process, a baker will have several goals. “What’s my goal? To be the best Johnny on the team.” Wait… that’s something else… Anyways. A baker’s goals might include, but are not limited to, the following: Be prepared with the supplies. Don’t screw up. Don’t drop anything. Don’t mess up the date/time/name/colors/anything else for the pickup. Make your lines neat as a pin and your floods smooth as silk. And lastly: Never give an inferior product to a customer. So, in short: “What’s my goal? To give all customers superior products.” I really feel like I could be in a commercial or something…

HAT TRICK: When the baker completes three separate orders all on the same day, she is said to have completed a hat trick. When all three orders are picked up within twenty minutes of each other, this is a natural hat trick.

HEALTHY SCRATCH: A full roster of cookies always includes a few extras, in order to allow for any breakages that occur along the way. Cookies that have been fully decorated but end up not being used are referred to as healthy scratches. They are functional, but represent the bottom tier of your decorating ability, and should only be used in case of an emergency.

ICING THE PUCK: When icing a puck, it is recommended to outline and flood the cookie, and then draw on criss-crossing marks once the icing is hardened. To properly ice the puck, flood the top part of it with a slightly lighter black, and a super dark black on the bottom, in order for it to look more 3D.

INTERFERENCE: When a person deliberately prevents the baker from working, interference is called.

INTERMISSION: While decorating, a baker is allowed to pause and take care of unrelated business. These pauses are referred to as intermissions. It is advised that one should not take more than twenty minutes for an intermission, because it is all but guaranteed that the baker will lose her focus and drive after that point.

LINE CHANGES: It is naturally easiest to decorate cookies closest to you on the tray. Once that line of cookies has been decorated, they shall be moved to the back of the tray, and the un-iced cookies shall take their place. When lines of cookies are exchanged, the cookies are said to make a line change.LOCKER ROOM: No matter how hard you prepare and train, cookies break. You must not blame yourself or your teammates. A good baker has extra cookies waiting in the wings for their moment to shine (see: healthy scratches). A damaged cookie is sent to the locker room to be checked and possibly await reparative surgery. A cookie beyond repair may simply be thrown away or eaten.

NHL: The National Hobby-Baker’s League, or NHL, is a group comprised of hobbyists who have other careers but choose to decorate cakes and cookies for fun. NHL members simply create for family and friends, and enjoy trying out new techniques. This is in contrast to the NFL, or National For-Profit-Baker’s League- a much more popular and profitable league than the NHL.

OFFSIDES: If a baker doesn’t pipe a border around the edge of her cookie, the icing will flow offsides. Always use a tip #3 or 4 to avoid offsides icing.

OVERTIME: Overtime occurs when the given time-limit has passed and the baker is now working under extremely stressful conditions. Sudden death overtime occurs when the customer is actually at the baker’s doorstep and the project is then “suddenly” complete, or, as complete as time and conditions will allow.

PENALTY: A penalty occurs when a teammate violates the rules. Different levels of penalties occur, depending on the severity of the violation. A two-minute minor penalty is assessed when, for example, a teammate nonchalantly eats a cookie the baker had been planning on giving to a paying customer. A game misconduct penalty is much more severe and results in ejection from the kitchen. One theoretical example might be, say, when the baker has just finished an Easter egg cake that took hours and hours to complete, and briefly set it on the floor to get something, and the dog, who normally abhors people food, chose that moment to have a taste. And, enjoying his taste, perhaps the dog then licked the entire front of the cake, making it inedible for the baker’s family’s celebration. In this case, the dog would receive a game misconduct penalty and would be permanently thrown from the celebration, while the baker would probably become so angry that she couldn’t even be subdued by her own grandmother. (But again, this is all theoretical.)

PENALTY BOX: Sometimes, no matter how much love and encouragement you give to a cookie, it ends up misbehaving. Its flooded center may be riddled with bubbles, or the icing my flow offsides (see: offsides). A misbehaving cookie shall be set aside in the penalty box until it can be dealt with at a later time.

PENALTY KILL: A baker goes on a penalty kill when a situation arises that puts the baker in a lurch. At this point, the baker cannot let up pressure and must push on, despite the difficult circumstances.

PLAYOFF BEARD: A playoff beard is a superstitious practice where the grower does not shave his beard until the goal is achieved. For obvious reasons, this practice is more common among male bakers.

POWER PLAY: At times, a baker may receive an unexpected advantage: a family member dropping in and offering help, or calling from the store and offering to pick up supplies, or a customer calling to say they will be late picking something up. These unexpected advantages, called power plays, are not common and must be treasured.

RESURFACING THE ICE: Once a cookie is flooded with icing and has fully hardened, a baker may coat the surface with a mixture of alcohol and shimmery dust. This technique makes the surface shiny and is called resurfacing the ice(ing), or, in colloquial terms, using the Zamboni. (see photo of Resurfacing the Ice(ing) below)REVIEW OF PLAY: If a customer picks up a cookie to carefully inspect it, this is called a review of play. These are stressful because while a baker’s product might look perfect from afar, there may be inconsistencies up close. For this reason it is always advised to leave one’s very best products on the top layer when giving the box of cookies to the customer. In this way you will assure yourself that any reviews of play are guaranteed goals. (See goal.)

TIMEOUTS: After flooding cookies with icing, it is necessary to take a timeout. Timeouts last a minimum of 24 hours, since the icing needs that much time to dry completely. Bakers are allowed to use the timeouts as they wish, including making line changes or resurfacing the ice(ing).